Diary Series:Teaching Emotional Regulation

Today, my little one had a big moment and it all started because she wanted something, but I was completely in the middle of something else and told her she would need to wait. This was all it took. Her frustration took over. Her emotions swelled and she was whining and tears started to form. At that moment, I had a choice to either push through what I was doing and ignore her distress or I could pause and try to guide her through it. I chose the latter.

I stopped what I was doing, took her hand and gently said, “Let’s take some deep breaths together.” We breathed in slowly and then exhaled together. Now, I do this for her to learn but I have to be honest, this helps me too! Our bodies started to relax just a little. As a busy mom, I have a lot to do but I have to remember that these days are fleeting and I can slow down and enjoy them and be present. Yes, even I need that reminder too because life is always going on no matter what.

Once we both felt calmer, I asked, “How are you feeling?” She pointed to her emotions using the Zones of Regulation to help her identify and express how she feels in a way we both can understand. She showed me that she was in the blue section: sad, tired, and a little overwhelmed.

I validated her feelings: “I see that you’re feeling sad and upset. I understand that it’s hard to wait when you really really want something.” I mean I DO know. It it is NOT fun to wait but patience is a virtue right? Anyway, we talked about why she felt sad and I explained as gently as I could that, “Sometimes we have to wait and we need to stay calm until someone can help us.” I reminded her that waiting is a part of life, and learning how to do it would eventually help her feel better.

I asked, “What can we do to help you not feel so sad while you wait?” Giving her a choice in the solution for her problem helped her perk up a bit. So I offered her essential oils. I figured it was a good sensory way to calm her nervous system because it would keep her engaged and it would relax and uplift her mood at the same time. I again let her choose which ones to smell and we applied them to her wrists. She smelled them deeply and I encouraged her to keep breathing. Slowly, the shift. Her frustration turned into joy.

Moments like these remind me how important co regulation is. Kids don’t know how to regulate until we guide them. I grew up being told to “just wait” or “stop crying” without learning how to cope with the feelings I was having. That’s not my parents fault, they weren’t taught either to be honest. Thats why now that we are aware, it’s us who has to make the changes for the future generations. I can teach my children now through breath, movement, affirmation and sensory tools and they will have lifelong skills for handling frustration in a healthy way. They will be better equipped to deal with hard things than I was.

By the end of our conversation, she was smiling again. She still had to wait, but now she was a little more in control of her emotions instead of overwhelmed. I know this won’t be the last time we go through this. Big feelings will keep happening, patience will still be a work in progress, and I’ll probably have to whip out the essential oils again soon. But that’s ok. Every time we navigate these things together, we both grow a little more. Together and in our own way, a little more aware of how to handle life’s waves.

At least we’ll smell good while we figure this all out.

Until next time,

D